Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
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I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes