My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
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I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings