What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
You Might Also Like
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
CRYING
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.