So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
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It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I like long walks away from everyone
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?