My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
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The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Before & after 😅