King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
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My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
i wish i could marry a nap
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job