Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
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I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Today’s Times
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake