Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
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[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Stop sending me this shit.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
don’t we all
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help