Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
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I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)