Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
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A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe