I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
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how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*