I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
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[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Ghost costume 😂
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
This story is comedy gold 😂