What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
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People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
scenes of unspeakable carnage
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.