sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
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All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Haha! 😂
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.