Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
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I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun