oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
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I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka