oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
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Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
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teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”