In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
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Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Clients after you give them your rates
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.