If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
You Might Also Like
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
“How’s your day going?”
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA