Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
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Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”