Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
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I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
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<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
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You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked