Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
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t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!