C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
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“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve