Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
You Might Also Like
I love the honesty
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I put the h in mysterious.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal