My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
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she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”