Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
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Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
#MeanwhileInCanada
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.