911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
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Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know