I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
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A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Smile they said.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV