Smile they said.
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you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Somewhere in an alternate universe
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.