Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
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Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Natty or not?
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Bless you