Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
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Buck naked
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?