My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
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Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call