My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
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I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Not all heroes wear capes…
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”