Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
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INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
You know…for fall…
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[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
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