Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
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“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
These aliens are taking forever.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee