Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
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Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
My ideal weight is five million dollars
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!