For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
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[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Shower sex be like:
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.