4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
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Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
dogs can find happiness so easily
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.