How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
You Might Also Like
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no