[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
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I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
mood
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia