Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
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Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
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Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Succinctly put.
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Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
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