Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
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My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Me sliding into hell like
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …