I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
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Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
#catsoftwitter
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.