[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
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Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler