It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
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There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
My flabber has been gasted.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*