Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
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*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.