The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
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Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?