Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
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Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.