girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
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[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?