Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
You Might Also Like
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
❤️🦆
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Herpes is trending, good job people
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.