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Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Canada has crack?
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Oh deer
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again