*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
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UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
When they try to steal your moment.