As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
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If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.